I didn't write this newsletter last week. I apologise for any sense of loss from the empty inbox on a Thursday morning when it would normally have landed.
I had planned to but the truth is I just hit the wall last Monday. I had nothing in the tank.
There's a concept in the autistic community called spoon theory, which is a method of energy accounting.
Last week, I'd run out of spoons.
Demands on our energy
Two weeks ago I wrote about being in danger of getting stuck in a rut. I didn't realise at the time that I was further over the edge than I thought.
My “symptoms” then - procrastination, anxiety, over-eating - were not where I wanted them to be, but not terrible. What I wasn't consciously focused on was the energy cost of being on holiday with the kids the previous week.
It breaks my heart to realise this, but the truth is I can't handle being with my kids 24/7 for very long. It leaves me drained. Irritable. Anxious. Stressed.
On the back of being on holiday I had a busy week of work. Being irritable, I was more prone to arguments that compounded the problem.
Then I had a draining weekend. Kids birthday parties in busy, noisy environments with people I didn't know well. A rugby tournament I was coaching at.
By Sunday afternoon I was wiped out and falling asleep.
That's usually a sign my energy account is hitting zero.
Counting spoons
Spoon theory was first articulated in 2003 by Christine Miserandino when talking about her chronic illness, lupus. It has since become a useful tool, particularly for autistic children.
My daughter uses it to identify reasons why she might be emotionally volatile or particularly tired. When she does we notice things that drain her energy in ways we might not expect.
One of her early entries focused on a friend of mine coming to the house for a few hours. She didn’t know him and we hadn’t given her enough warning. That was a 3 spoon energy drain that we hadn’t realised would be a problem for her at all.
I haven’t used it much personally. I'm starting to think I should.
The idea is simple. For me, it has echoes of Hugh Grant's character in About A Boy, marking out his day's activities in units of time.
Each day you start with a draw full of spoons. Some days you may have more than others. Keeping that drawer full is important, as each activity in a day uses up some spoons. Often those spoons are specific to certain activities. You may have lots of spoons for focused work, but not many for socialising.
The problem comes when we run out of spoons for a specific activity. This tends to happen earlier for autistic people, for two reasons.
Firstly, we have fewer spoons to start with. Our drawer never gets more than half full, and often doesn't get replenished enough. For certain things we may never have many spoons to start with.
Secondly, things that seem trivial to others can require a lot of spoons for autistic people.
Having to make a phone call to a stranger? Two spoons.
A room full of people with lots of conversations going on? Three spoons.
Keeping track of your kids somewhere busy? Four spoons.
When an autistic person has challenges with noise sensitivity, for example, they may only have 1 or 2 spoons available to them for situations like that. Their increased sensitivity means even those spoons are used up faster than they might be for others.
The real world impact of that is they can only handle a noisy environment for a short period of time before hitting the wall. Edging closer to exhaustion.
That tiredness leads to lower emotional regulation, and a higher likelihood of meltdowns or shutdowns. With the autistic kids I know that often emerges as crippling anxiety, or volatile anger.
Refilling the spoon drawer
Each day we need our energy to be in balance or problems start to accumulate as we start the next day with fewer spoons. That day is then harder to balance. And so on.
There are a bunch of ways of refilling the spoon drawer. Rest and quiet. Favourite activities. Sleep. It can all take time, which is often hard to find in busy lives.
Without taking that time we quickly hit the wall. For kids this could be an explosion of anger. Disappearing into hyperfocus. Or an inability to get into school.
For me, last week, it was exhaustion.
At my men's group on Monday night I checked in, honestly, saying I was feeling wiped out and anxious. I had no energy to give. Truth is, I nearly didn't go but I hoped that being there would help me refill my spoon drawer.
As the night progressed we had some challenging conversations, as we often do. To a certain extent that’s the whole point of being there. To make the comfortable uncomfortable and the uncomfortable comfortable.
This week it was too much for me. Towards the end I got triggered. My reserves were too low to handle my emotions. I started to shutdown.
I clung on to the end of the session then left quickly. Floods of anger and grief overwhelmed me on the drive home.
I realised I had to reset.
The next morning, I went for a two hour walk with the dog. When I got back I looked at my plan for the week and gave myself permission to drop some balls. Take some downtime. Do some exercise. Skip a week on this blog.
Put myself first for a bit.
It worked. My spoons drawer was refilled. I got to the weekend feeling peaceful, energised, and connected to the kids. I'm glad to have built a flexible working life that enables me to do that.
I'm slowly getting clear on how to manage my energy levels across weeks, not just days.
Yet another thing my amazing daughter is teaching me on this journey.
Deri - thank you so much for your honesty - you tackle some really important themes.
I am constantly struck how little we as a society seem to care about self-care, maintenance of energy levels and (particularly) sleep. When we are run down, we don't make good decisions. It's like being drunk: https://www.cdc.gov/niosh/emres/longhourstraining/impaired.html#:~:text=Being%20awake%20for%2017%20hours,drunk%20driving%20level%20of%200.08.
And yet our working patterns (and we ourselves) take little heed of this (or indeed the terrifying long-term health impacts). The kind of thoughtful, honest self-exploration you outline here, to understand how we can keep functioning well, is critical!