A guest post this week, from Jo. Read on to learn why…
Hi👋, this is Jo, Deri’s wife.
Deri wrote a blog post this week which I vetoed. He asked how I felt about the content, and I told him it crossed a boundary for me. It is now on the metaphorical cutting room floor.
The whole interaction between us has been as simple and straightforward as that makes it sound. No accusations, hurt feelings, raised voices or tears. Thoroughly undramatic. A few years ago I think it would have been a different story.
I’m choosing to write about this from a place of gratitude to Deri. I know he takes seriously his commitment to publish every week, and he has prioritised my feelings above that.
He has spent time writing to no avail and taken that on the chin. And he proofread the 26-page results chapter for my MSc dissertation last night, so frankly this is my quid pro quo. Maybe he will add his own perspective at the end to make it more juicy.
Setting boundaries when you are a people pleaser
A few months ago I was stopped in my tracks by an innocuous pop tune called People Pleaser, by Cat Burns. It opens with the line, ‘I hate confrontation, it makes me uncomfortable’, and goes on to say, ‘I’ve put my comfort behind everyone else all my life.’
Shit. Why is this girl bopping about and happily singing the inner workings of my mind?
We’ve all heard how important it is to set boundaries as a form of self-care. They ensure we feel safe and are treated in a way that is acceptable to us. When people cross our boundaries we can feel vulnerable, disrespected or even violated.
For me, learning to set boundaries cleanly has been (and is) a difficult process. Firstly, I’ve had to recognise and acknowledge what the crossing of a boundary feels like.
That is difficult when you are a people pleaser. How do you know if you feel uncomfortable because of the boundary violation or because of the idea you might make someone else unhappy?
Secondly, I’ve had to develop bravery to communicate my boundaries to others. That is also difficult when you fear confrontation because there is a real possibility the other person may get angry or upset.
The result? You deprioritise yourself to make others happy, which ends in exhaustion, and you shy away from communicating your boundaries because it feels safer, which ends in resentment.
How it feels when it works
Yesterday I experienced a better outcome.
I opened the draft blog Deri sent me and read the first line. They were words that had been spoken to me as a child and they caused a lurching sensation inside my chest.
I have learned in recent years to pay better attention to the physical reactions of my body. I think of it now as my instinct or intuition.
I read the rest of the blog, but that lurch was enough to tell me it wasn’t ok. So that was step 1.
Now I had to tell Deri. Historically this step hasn’t gone too well for us. He hears criticism easily and his defence is anger. I crave harmony and safety and react from a place of fear.
I needed to find some bravery and my guide was Brené Brown; Strong Back, Soft Front, Wild Heart. Are there any better words to live by?*
So, I acknowledged his honourable intent (soft front), said clearly it wasn’t ok with me (strong back), and took the risk to communicate it (wild heart). His response was a beautiful, ‘Clear. Sorry baby’.
Because he too has been doing his work.
* I do have another life motto which I created with inspiration from my favourite counselling tutor; ‘Hold your loved ones closely and your ideas loosely’. But you can’t argue with Brené’s insight.
Jo asked if I (Deri) wanted to add anything to this. I don’t - I think it’s a beautiful piece of writing that doesn’t need anything added.
I just want to say thank you to her x