Are you regulating when they just need recognition?
Self-awareness, control and clear communication
I'm realising there are two foundational pillars of a mature, healthy relationship. Things that are often missing. Things that, when they are absent, result in disconnection. Or confrontation.
What are they?
Self-awareness
Communication
Everything else that is important seems to stem from these two foundational things.
There are layers beneath them of course. Communication can be verbal or written. Verbal communication requires both clarity of speaking and the ability to actively listen. Actively listening takes focus, observation, empathy, presence and self-control. And so on.
One day I’ll go deeper into all of that and build out a map of the different skills it takes to operate effectively in a mature relationship. It's the kind of thing I do for my clients in a business setting, and I think it would bring some interesting clarity.
For today, I'm getting a little more meta… I want to talk about self-awareness during communication. Or at least one aspect of it.
Let's dive in.
Learning from a master
Jo and I have been engrossed by the series Couples Therapy on BBC iPlayer. We're nearing end of Series 3 now. It's superb watching the therapist Dr Orna Guralnik expertly navigate all the issues that the couples bring into the room.
Jo's background as a Genetic Counsellor and her new Womaning Wisely project, combined with my interest in Men's Work, means it takes us over an hour to watch a 25 minute episode. We pause every 5 minutes as one of us feels the need to chip in on something we've seen and heard.
We’re learning a lot. And getting triggered a bit.
In one recent episode Orna asked one couple a question that stopped me in my tracks. Her clients were getting emotional and struggling to communicate cleanly with each other. She noticed that they were lacking a specific piece of self-awareness.
So she asked the question: “When you speak to each other like that, are you recognising each other or regulating each other?”
Power and control
This really hit me. I think because I have so often felt regulated in my life, and not recognised. The language struck a real cord with me.
Reflecting further I realised I have a particular sensitivity to feeling controlled.
I suspect many men do.
It's a classic stereotype isn't it? The nagging wife & the hen-pecked husband. Or sexless marriages where men want more (“Not tonight, love I'm tired”). Or the weekend diary that is filled with things she’s arranged with her friends and their husbands.
Like many stereotypes it is an exaggeration but there is a kernel of truth in it for many. Even when the feeling of being controlled may not be a present-time one; often it’s a triggered state.
In the same way, many wives no doubt feel controlled by their husbands. That often plays out in financial control, or sex, or how they dress.
And, of course, many parents seek to control their kids in many different ways.
Often, in all these circumstances, the control is subtle and even unconscious. There may be little nudges to behave one way and not another. A boundary set for no good reason.
A particularly subtle and insidious way control can play out is the attempt - often unconsciously - to control the expression of another person’s emotions. This happens with parent-child or in romantic relationships all the time.
Trying to recognise and not regulate
When your child is angry or sad, or even joyful, it can be hard to sit with sometimes. Often they are loud. Socially inappropriate in that moment. Triggering for you personally.
I fall into this trap frequently. I try to recognise but end up regulating.
“I can see that you’re really upset and I’m sorry you’re feeling like that. But, people are trying to enjoy their lunch here and it’s not appropriate for you to be screaming”
What’s the right answer here? I honestly don’t know. I think this may be one of those situations where we inevitably leave our children with emotional scars. That’s because two competing goals are coming into conflict.
One is encapsulated in Jordan Peterson’s Rule 5 in 12 Rules for Life: “Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them.” This is predicated on helping our kids grow up to be socially adept and accepted members of society. A pretty important goal for their future success.
The other is the desire to show unconditional love to our kids, or more precisely to have them feel that they are accepted no matter what. It’s hard to hold boundaries without them feeling hurt in the moment, even if you are trying to recognise and not regulate.
And, of course, many parents go heavy on the regulation over all else.
I think that is the source of a lot of early emotional trauma. These moments of emotional regulation put some feelings into shadow.
Those shadow sides can come out as adults, when you’re trying to communicate with your partner. Emotions that were socially unwelcome as children get buried deep and can be triggering when you see them in your partner.
That’s scary. You’ve learnt those emotions should be feared. So, you shut them down. Control them. Don’t let them show, even in other people. That’s how to stay safe.
The result of that is your partner feels regulated, not recognised.
To fix that takes some serious self-awareness. Self-control. A willingness to sit in your uncomfortable feeling and let them express. Now is not the moment for boundaries.
It’s a time to listen, and recognise.