Growing yourself back up

A magician and an angry man

Credit: Venerala

I spent last weekend as part of the staff team on a Mankind Project retreat, called the New Warrior Training Adventure (NWTA).

This was my 4th time staffing an NWTA so I've spent a decent amount of time in this environment now. Every time the experience is different.

This latest one was no exception. For the first time on one of these weekends, I felt some real deep anger.

Containers of containers

The NWTA is a modern male initiation weekend. It's tough. Deliberately so.

The men who attend are pushed physically, psychologically, and emotionally. There is no other way if you want to learn something deep about who you really are.

To make that safe we need the staff team to be watertight. We call this building a container. A united and connected team that is able to handle a large group of men digging into places they've never been before. When things get physical or intensely emotional it takes a lot to keep things safe.

Within that staff container there are smaller groups. The leadership team. The kitchen team. The first-time staffers.

This time round, I was asked to lead a group of 8 new members of the staff team. I was responsible for directing, coaching and supporting them through the ups and downs of the weekend. This was our container within the staff container.

I bloody loved the role. The eight men showed up in every way they needed to and did a great job. This team within a team came together beautifully. They smashed their responsibilities and it was a privilege to support them.

These weekends are a journey, for the staff as well as the initiates. We often need to hold a lot of emotion for long periods of time. That can be hard.

Late on Saturday, this bubbled over.

A magician and an angry man

We have a process we call Accountability. It’s a simple concept. When a man hasn’t kept a commitment he made, this process helps him figure out why.

It’s an opportunity to reflect on what he made more important, to name the consequences of not keeping his commitment, and consider some of the subconscious drivers of his behaviours.

It’s also an opportunity to reconnect with someone he may have let down, by apologising and offering a small act of service.

Late on Saturday, after the most intense process of the weekend, there was a small incident between one of the more experienced members of the staff team and one of my team of first-timers. It needed cleaning up to keep the container tight.

I wasn’t involved but I witnessed it. And it brought up a lot of anger in me. I was defensive of the new staffer in my sub-team.

I judged the other man to be slippery, arrogant, manipulative, and cowardly. I’ve spoken before about the four male Archetypes. I judged his behaviour was a display of unhealthy Magician - ducking and weaving to avoid taking full responsibility for the impact of his actions.

Shortly afterwards we had a quick check-in where every man was asked to say briefly how he was feeling. My two words were pissed-off and unsafe.

I’ve never expressed anger in that staff circle before. It felt good to be authentic.

Getting clear

With my anger bubbling I wanted to speak to this man. Tell him what I’d seen in him. Make him apologise.

Waiting for my opportunity to do that in front of the group, I was writing speeches in my head. Planning all the clever ways I’d cleanly articulate what I’d seen and pin this slippery manipulator down so he had nowhere to hide.

20 minutes or so passed as other men spoke to him and cleared their own stuff. With my anger subsiding slightly I realised something.

Behind that man I was judging was my father. The judgements I made of him were judgements I make of my Dad. He never apologises. He’s slippery and manipulative. He’s a coward.

To put it simply: I was triggered and regressed.

Going one level deeper, I realised that I have an over-active and unhealthy Magician side to me. I can be slippery and manipulative. Cowardly. Struggle to apologise.

As my therapist liked to say - If you spot it, you’ve got it.

I came to an understanding that the anger I’d felt and expressed was a gift. It helped me see something in myself I had been hiding away in shadow.

I also had a moment of realisation about how far I’ve come. Just a couple of years ago I would have stewed on that incident for days. Making up stories and plotting what I needed to do, but too scared to actually do it. This time I was able to recover in minutes.

When I got opportunity to speak with the man who had triggered that anger I was calm and reflective. I was able to say what had gone on for me as a result of his behaviour, and ultimately thank him. He was sitting in shame - the price he paid for his gift to me and the other men.

By pausing, breathing and reflecting I was able to drop my anger, grow myself back-up and get clear again. And that feels damn good.

As always with this work - the journey continues.!

---

The title of this blog is taken from the superb little book by John Lee, called Growing Yourself Back Up: Understanding Emotional Regression. It’s one of the first books my therapist recommended and is a great introduction to a foundational concept in this work.

---