I had a fascinating experience this week. On Tuesday I was invited to participate in a half day workshop run by the excellent Royston John of the National Coalition Building Institute (NCBI).
I've heard great things about these sessions over the years. This was the first chance I'd had to experience it first hand.
The core premise is to explore differences and similarities between the attendees, as well as our prejudices and assumptions. This particular group consisted mostly of female students from a US University, with a few Mankind Project men attending to enrich and broaden their experience.
I went in worried about how I might handle myself. What judgements would I have about others in the group? What judgements might they have about me?
As a straight, white, middle class British male I was expecting to be in a minority. I was expecting a lot of man-bashing and privilege-bashing from woke American students.
I wasn't wrong. But I wasn't right either.
Identity differences
A big part of the session was given over to exploring how attendees identified, in different categories - age, race, sex, gender, religion, birth order, sexuality etc.
We covered 10+ different areas. Some people had multiple identities in the same category, and stood to claim each identity. Others couldn't relate to anything clearly in some areas.
It was all welcomed and celebrated.
I was in the majority for some (being white, and having European heritage). A minority in others, like being a man.
For one - being an atheist - I was the only person standing to claim that identity. That was a strange feeling in a room full of proud religious people.
I had some cynicism about this exercise at the start. I don't like the idea of categorising people into groups and thinking that defines them. I judge there’s a risk of assuming things about a person because of a group they happen to belong to.
On occasions, that risk came out as once or twice the facilitators slipped into some generalisations. But the overwhelming sense the group articulated was that everyone is a unique melting pot of identities, none of which define them fully.
We are all in many groups, and those many groups mix to make us uniquely individual.
First thoughts - shining light on prejudice
The most powerful exercise we did highlighted our gut reactions to different groups. The stereotypes and prejudices we all carry.
The idea was simple. Think of a group - e.g., “Young Christian women” - and say the first thoughts that enter your head. Unfiltered. No judgement. Taking a risk.
With a majority of women in the room it was natural that one of the groups was men. Some of the first thoughts about men were fascinating:
Young men - Cute, Stupid, Lazy
Latino men - Sexy, Charming, I want to say hi
Older White Men - Powerful, Privileged, Arrogant, Lazy, Dangerous
It was hard for people to speak those words into the room, to express their prejudices in front of people they might apply to. When those words had been spoken members of the group in question were asked how they felt. Was there an Ouch? Had any of those words landed badly?
The answers to that were fascinating.
Thick skin or resignation?
The men in the room reacted very differently to all the other groups when we were asked about an Ouch.
Lots of the women said they found it hard to hear the words spoken about women. Christians were hurt by the prejudices expressed about them in the room. Other groups were the same.
But not the men. None of us said we felt anything. The words - Stupid, Lazy, Arrogant etc. - didn't bother us.
I don't know why that was. I can think of a couple of stories that might be true. Or might not be.
We all make up stories about the things that happen to us. Too often, we believe our story to be the truth. One of the powerful ways of getting clear is to hold our stories lightly, especially when things are complex, and be prepared to accept a different story.
Story 1: Men are less sensitive, less snowflakey. Men don't seek to be offended like others do. We are less agreeable, less neurotic. Men are steady ships, unaffected by the hot air of others.
Story 2: Men hurt just as much but we've been trained not to complain. We need respect more than love. Showing our pain might lessen our standing.
Story 3: Men are numb. We don't feel because we've learnt from birth that our feelings don't matter. Our hurt is hidden in shadow and only comes out when rage strikes.
I know which of those stories I prefer. I don’t know which is more true. The final exercise we did shone some light on that.
What's good about being you?
At the end we all chose specific identity groups to work in. After brainstorming a list together we ended up with several distinct groups - including Queer, Mixed-race, Neurodiverse, From Broken Homes, Obese, Mental Health Challenges, Women, and Men
Each person picked one and teamed up with others of the same identity. We had a few minutes to create a list of things that were good about being in that group.
I went with Neurodiverse. There were 2 of us and we came up with a bunch of good things about being ND, from intellectual ability to creativity to honesty to empathy.
One by one the groups shared their lists with the full group. Most had 15+ good things listed. The Women group in particular had more like 25 things they loved about being women. Even the Obese group had 10 or more.
Then the men who had been working in the Men group stepped up. Their list had just 5 things on it:
Providers
Protectors
Problem-solving
Strength
Height
That's right - being tall made the top 5 things that are good about being a man. They had wracked their brains but they couldn't think of anything else they felt positive about.
Why was that?
Again, there are probably lots of reasons. This wasn't a scientific process or a well powered piece of research.
The men felt that the story that it is bad to be a man was deeply embedded in our psyches. The others in the group agreed. This was a conscious, compassionate group. They know we hear those messages all the time.
“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation, and go to the grave with the song still in them”
Henry David Thoreau
The men doing this work were in their 40s and older. Self-aware men, deeply committed to personal growth. And still they struggled to find things that were good about being a man.
If that's how they feel, I can't help but fear for how our teenage boys and young men are feeling. How are they supposed to approach the world positively and productively if all they are told is that their very essence is mostly bad?
With 3 sons to raise, this workshop has given me renewed focus on finding positive messages for young men to carry with them.
What do you think is good about being a man?
First Thoughts on Men
How interesting! And yes, it is difficult to think about things that are good about being a man (and at 5'6" I don't even have height). Some of the advantages we enjoy (for example, being less likely to experience sex discrimination) are hardly things to be proud about.
Reflecting on me and my son (Sam), there are some social roles (labels, if you like) that are probably more open to men/ boys than women/ girls. Sam and I are definitely "geeks" - we love board games, fantasy stories, and being mildly obsessive about various things. I think it is probably a bit trickier for girls who have this interest. But of course, it cuts both ways - and many "feminine" social roles are trickier.
So - not a lot to add, I'm afraid!