Managing a busy house
Two adults and four kids (not to mention the dog) in our house means we each have lots of relationships to navigate.
Straight up we all have five 1-2-1 relationships, with each of the other members of our family. Plus there are interactions between different groups of us:
Kids ←→ Adults
Girls ←→ Boys
Twins ←→ Siblings
Brothers ←→ Sister
Neurodiverse ←→ Neurotypical
I could go on but you get the point. That’s a lot of interactions we’re all figuring out all the time. Those relationships are the most rewarding things in my life. I have beautiful moments on a daily basis.
But there is also, often, a lot of noise. Clashes. Chaos. With kids aged 5 to 10, emotions can often be intense. Anger flares up quickly, tears come, frustrations can be overwhelming.
And that’s just me.
About a year ago, Jo was reading the excellent Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen. In Chapter 9 she introduces a simple but powerful idea: a weekly family meeting. This is a chance for families to connect and discuss things, calmly. Part fun, part facilitated conversation, without the chaos and emotion.
We decided to give it a go. It’s been a game changer.
How we run our weekly family meeting
We aim to have our meeting for 30 - 40 minutes on a Sunday morning. Normally just before our ritual of pancakes and country music (specifically Chicken Fried by Zac Brown Band, which has become a family favourite for reasons that now escape me, although I do love the line “there’s no dollar sign on peace of mind”).
We do four things in the meeting:
Compliments or gratitude
Agenda items
Plan for the week
Family fun activity
We start with compliments. This is a chance for everyone to say a few nice words about someone else. Maybe something kind they’ve done, or recognising when they’ve tried particularly hard, or helped out without being asked. Our younger kids find this tricky sometimes but given the space and encouragement they are usually able to say something meaningful.
If compliments are hard then gratitude - for anything, no matter how small - can be easier. Often that’s just for the pancakes to come. The important thing is that they are thinking about things in their life they are grateful for.
I personally find this a great opportunity to say thank you to Jo for something she’s done for the family. I think it’s important for the kids to hear us supporting each other like that.
Next is Agenda items. This is the chance for anyone to raise anything they want to talk about. This week our agenda items were:
Noise
Nintendo Switch time
Morning music practice
Weekends in March
The first three were brought by the kids. Sometimes they just want to say something and be heard. Or they may be asking for input. Often, they explicitly want discussion and a decision.
The final one, weekends in March, was a chance for us to talk to the kids about some trade-offs. We want to go to Norfolk on a weekend that means them missing football, rugby and swimming, as well as a couple of parties.
Instead of just telling them this is happening, we discuss it with them. Give them chance to express their opinions and suggest alternative options.
We can’t do everything and often someone misses out. This process ensures that, at a minimum, we’ve heard how they feel about it.
After the Agenda items we go over what’s happening this week. It helps the kids (and me…) a lot to get clear, especially if something is different for some reason.
Finally - we agree a family fun activity we’ll do in the next week. Could be as simple as playing a game together, or watching a movie. What matters is the commitment to doing something together, all six of us.
Making the family meeting work
Getting through all that in under 40 minutes can be a challenge some weeks. We’ve figured out three things to make it work.
Firstly, we have a Chair and a Secretary every time. The Chair runs the meeting and the Secretary takes notes. Everyone takes turns being Chair, although our twins often do it together and need some support - they can’t read the agenda yet.
Secondly, we have a ‘talking object’. If you want to speak you have to be holding the object. This - mostly - prevents everyone talking over each other and helps give everyone a chance to speak.
Finally, we cover the table in fidget spinners, pop-its and smart cubes. Ideally ones that aren’t noisy, but do the job of keeping fidgety fingers occupied and bottoms on seats.
One watch out if you want to try this. Our youngest kids were 4 when we started this. They found it tricky at first. I don’t think it would have worked when they were younger.
Benefits of the family meeting
I can’t tell you how big an impact this has had. When the kids irritate each other, or us, during the week we just say “put it on the Agenda for Sunday”. They know they’ll get chance to talk about it then.
Often, when it comes round, the moment has passed and they don’t feel so strongly any more. Even when they do still want to talk about it the emotion has gone and it’s a much calmer conversation.
We hope that this will teach our kids that it’s safe to say when you’re frustrated. That conflict is ok. That you’re still loved even if you disagree about something.
They’re also learning the give-and-take of negotiating relationships with people. That actions have consequences and they can’t just do whatever they like all the time.
Running these family meetings has been a game-changer for us. I recommend giving it a go. Even if you don’t have kids yet I could see this working for couples too.
Do you do something similar, or would you do it differently? Let me know in the comments below
Chicken Fried - Zac Brown Band
You know I like my chicken fried
A cold beer on a Friday night
A pair of jeans that fit just right
And the radio u-up
Well I was raised up beneath the shade of a Georgia pine
And that's home you know
Sweet tea pecan pie and homemade wine
Where the peaches grow
And my house it's not much to talk about
But it's filled with love that's grown in southern ground
And a little bit of chicken fried
Cold beer on a Friday night
A pair of jeans that fit just right
And the radio up
Well I've seen the sunrise
See the love in my woman's eyes
Feel the touch of a precious child
And know a mother's love
Well it's funny how it's the little things in life that mean the most
Not where you live or what you drive or the price tag on your clothes
There's no dollar sign on a peace of mind this I've come to know
So if you agree have a drink with me
Raise your glasses for a toast
To a little bit of chicken fried
A cold beer on a Friday night
A pair of jeans that fit just right
And the radio up
Well I've seen the sunrise
See the love in my woman's eyes
Feel the touch of a precious child
And know a mother's love
I thank God for my life
And for the stars and stripes
May freedom forever fly, let it ring
Salute the ones who died
The ones that give their lives so we don't have to sacrifice
All the things we love
Like our chicken fried
Cold beer on a Friday night
A pair of jeans that fit just right
And the radio u-up
Well I've seen the sunrise
See the love in my woman's eyes
Feel the touch of a precious child
And know a mother's love
Get a little chicken fried
Cold beer on a Friday night
A pair of jeans that fit just right
And the radio u-up
Well I've seen the sunrise
See the love in my woman's eyes
Feel the touch of a precious child
And know a mother's love
I love the idea of this! We have occasional "family meetings", but these are usually called by the children, and largely revolve around their desire to get a dog!
What we do manage more regularly, is Sunday dinner check-ins on what is happening in the week ahead, which gives us a chance to say what we're looking forward to (and what we may be a bit anxious about). Maybe there's an opportunity for us to bring in a bit of compliments/ gratitude as well.