I’ve missed a few weeks of our men’s group because I’ve been away, with work and holiday. It was great to get back to it on Monday night.
This week there were six of us, on a Zoom call (we alternate virtual and in-person weeks). As we all checked in several men - me included - referenced a sense of being in a bit of a rut. Struggling to stay present, focused and productive.
What I loved about Monday night was the realisation that we were all so much better at noticing the early warning signs of this drift. That self-awareness is one of the major benefits of the work we’ve been doing.
I’ll talk about what that means for me, and some ways I’ve figured to break out of it and move forwards.
Let me know if this resonates for you, and how you deal with it.
How I used to behave
When I was in the chemistry lab doing research for my PhD, back in the early 2000s, I worked on a crazy boom-bust cycle of productivity.
Here’s how it would play out:
Stage 1: Highly motivated, 7am starts, running ~5 experiments a day and making great progress.
Stage 2: Motivation waning, drop to ~1-2 experiments a day, spending more time on tea breaks and procrastinating on my laptop.
Stage 3: Motivation gone, forcing myself to do ~2-3 experiments a week, getting abuse from my supervisor (“are you seriously telling me this is all you’ve done?!”), and spending less and less time in the lab. Existing in a cloud of shame.
Stage 4: Holiday, reset, come back into Stage 1 - “this time it will be different!”
Here’s the rub. Stage 1 would last less than a week. Stage 2 another week. Stage 3 was where I spent most of my time, clinging on until I felt able to take a break to reset.
I had no self-awareness, no confidence to look after myself, no idea what I was doing.
It took 15 years for me to start figuring that out.
Spotting the warning signs
When I talk about falling into a rut the real meaning of that is the struggle to be the man I want to be. I don’t want to be procrastinating, getting sucked into Twitter threads for hours at a time.
I don’t want to be avoiding sending proposals, or failing to send out my Consulting Skills Mastery newsletter on time.
I don’t want to skip my lifting. I don’t want to be binge eating bread at 10pm on my way to bed. I don’t want to be drawn to drinking a few beers on a Tuesday night.
I don’t want to be disconnected from my wife and children.
None of those things are the man I want to be. Yet at times I do them all.
Here’s the rub: Each of those behaviours is an early warning sign that I’m heading into a rut, or evidence that I’m already there.
When I start to spend more time on Twitter - early warning sign.
When I realise I’m avoiding my kids - early warning sign.
When I’m procrastinating - early warning sign.
Tuning into those behaviours is Step 1 in course correcting as early as possible. As ever, self-awareness is the starting point.
One way of increasing self-awareness is to define a personal mission, and - this is the key part for rut-avoidance - a shadow mission.
A personal mission is an articulation of the person you want to be in the world. It should be stretching, something that pushes you out of your comfort zone.
My mission is: “I am here, now, sharing all of me and welcoming all of you to create a more productive, connected world”
(We talked more about mission on Episode 5 of the Show Up! podcast)
A shadow mission is an articulation of the behaviours that you default to and how that impacts you and others. Particularly when you’re feeling stressed.
My shadow mission is: “With a closed heart I go, leaving a dark, disconnected world of fear, pain and shame”
Being aware of that shadow mission helps me remember how I behave when I’m falling into a rut, and the impact it has on those I care about.
For me, those behaviours are avoidance, disconnection, and addiction.
Steering away from the rut
When I slip into these behaviours there are 5 steps I’ve figured out over the last couple of years to get back on track.
This is a key benefit of the work I do to get clear and stay clear as a man.
The reality is, we’re all going to fall off track, repeatedly, forever (how’s that for an optimistic vision of the future!) The key is how quickly we’re able to spot that we’re falling off track, recover, and get back on track.
With the work that I and my men’s group friends have done, we spot, recover and get back on track much faster than we used to.
Here are the 5 things that work for me:
Honesty
Reflection
Rest
Routine
Reconnection
I’ll briefly explain each of those and why I think it helps.
1. Honesty
Many of the behaviours I slip into when I’m falling off track are associated with shame for me. Honesty is about shining a light on that shame. This starts with being honest with myself, and then sharing with people I trust.
For me, that is usually my men’s group, and my wife.
It can be hard to do, even with them. I never regret it though. It’s incredible how quickly shame dissipates when something is shared and the response is loving understanding rather than rejection.
2. Reflection
Having been honest, reflection is the step to figure out why I’ve behaved in that way. There are lots of tools for this. Shadow mission is one. Journaling is another. Conversation works too - with yourself, someone you trust, or a therapist.
Or I sometimes go to the archetypes (Warrior, Lover, Magician, King) and reflect on how they are showing up for me.
For more challenging behaviours there are structured processes we use within the Mankind Project too, such as Bucketing - a set of steps to connect behaviours today back to experiences from childhood. That is consistently powerful.
The goal here is to understand why you have these default behaviour patterns that crop up, and to try to pin down what triggers them.
3. Rest
Figuring out what is going on is useful data, and often helps clear some of the feelings directly. It doesn’t always work to fully reset though.
To get back on track I often find that rest is necessary. This allows some baseline stress or fatigue to dissipate, and makes emotional regulation easier.
In fact - building rest into my weekly routine is a key way I stay on an even keel these days.
Rest can take many forms. Sleep is the obvious one - it’s hard to over-state how important a good sleep routine is.
Second to sleep is just a break from the grind. I often find I’m tired after the weekends and don’t have the energy to bounce straight into a full-on week of work. Working independently brings some big advantages in that regard.
When I need to, I’ll take a few hours on a Monday to sit in a coffee shop and read. That’s often all it takes to recharge.
The third rest technique I’ve started using is Andrew Huberman’s NSDR technique. That stands for Non-Sleep Deep Rest. It’s a 10 minute breathing technique similar to meditation. Here’s the protocol I follow:
If you’ve figured out why you’re heading towards a rut and that reflection hasn’t given you what you need to reset, then find a way to get some rest in.
4. Routine
With those three steps completed I’m usually back on track and feeling productive again. But, as I found all those years ago in the lab, that state can be fragile and I can soon start drifting again.
This is where routine comes in.
In recent years I’ve tried a bunch of different routines. Trying to match up my energy patterns through the day with working on certain things. Blocking specific times of day to avoid calls so I can try to do some deep work. Exercising early, or late, or during the day.
None of that really worked for me sustainably. There was too much chaos in the day-to-day of family life and work demands for me to stick with the routine.
The routine I keep coming back to is centred around the times of day I can control - before the kids wake up, and after they are in bed. I find that when this routine slips, I’m already in danger of getting stuck in a rut again.
Here’s how I do it now:
Early morning (5 - 6 am): Ice dip, hot tub, meditate, read - getting outside, with sunlight in my eyes
Kids + dog from 6 - 7.30am, then exercise, then start work
Evening: Aim to be in bed before 10pm
Weekly: Keep Wednesday clear to write / create, and work from my co-working space to do that
That’s it. I’ve tried journaling but dropped it. I’ve tried working early but it adds more stress and stops me exercising.
Routines are very personal things. I recommend experimenting, using things like Miracle Morning for inspiration.
5. Reconnect
Last but definitely not least. Reconnection.
This is fundamental to ongoing improvements in rut-avoidance. All the prior steps are effective in getting back on track, and staying there for a bit. They may even help improve things a little.
But I find connection is the key to sustained progress, and specifically connection with my wife and my kids.
For us that is often physical. A kiss on the shoulder in the kitchen. A hug with my daughter. Wrestling my 8 year old on the trampoline.
Reconnection is laughing together. Playing games. Hanging out. Expressing joy.
It’s helping out. Doing things I know she cares about, even when I don’t.
Reconnection is also about vulnerability. It is saying I’m struggling and asking for help. It’s asking ‘how are you finding life right now?’ and really listening to the answer.
Reconnecting with them reminds me about what matters to me. Why breaking the chain is so important.
Reconnection reminds why I’m doing this work to be the man I want to be.
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