1 hour a week: The target for fathers of teenagers
Lack of 1-on-1 father time is linked to low self-esteem in young adults
My kids are on the edge of the dreaded teenage years… My daughter turns 13 this year and we are already seeing her retreat to spend more time alone, reading or writing in her room.
To be fair, her three little brothers are loud and chaotic, so I often can’t blame her!
As her father this is new territory for me. How much does the time I spend with her matter? What should I push for?
My eldest son is right behind her at 10, and I worry about him too. How do I make sure he, and the twins as they get older, feel valued and secure? As a Dad this plays on my mind a lot.
I recently came across a research paper, from 2016, that has given me a strong nudge to spend more time with Megan, and find a way to make it work for the boys too. It seems there is a direct and clear link between quality 1-on-1 father time in the early teenage years and higher self-esteem later in life.
That caught my eye, so I went down the research rabbit hole…
Father Time and Cortisol: The Stress Connection
Let’s start with the science that grabbed my attention. Studies show that when fathers spend quality time with their kids during adolescence (ages 11–16), it can lead to lower cortisol responses in young adulthood. Cortisol, if you’re not familiar, is the body’s stress hormone. It spikes when we’re under pressure, and how our bodies handle it can affect everything from mood to physical health.
The study that sparked this deep dive was published in the Journal of Family Psychology. It found that kids who spent more time with their dads in shared activities - specifically household chores, playing games, or just hanging out - had lower cortisol levels when they faced stress in their early 20s (Father-Adolescent Engagement in Shared Activities).
Lower cortisol means their bodies are better at managing stress, which is a big deal for their long-term health. In fact, it’s directly linked to their later life self-esteem.
This effect also appears to be specific to dads (including step-dads), not mothers. That may feel counter-intuitive but it’s what the research indicates. Mothers spending 1-2-1 time with their teenagers doesn’t have the same impact on cortisol levels.
It seems there’s something unique about a father’s role.
We have a big responsibility to find a way to spend 1-2-1 time with our teenagers.
From Cortisol to Self-Esteem: The Bigger Picture
So, how does cortisol connect to self-esteem? That’s where the research gets even more interesting.
Cortisol isn’t just about stress. It’s tied to how we feel about ourselves. A study in Psychological Science found that lower self-esteem is linked to wonky cortisol patterns, which can mess with mental health (think anxiety or depression) and even physical health (Childhood Adversity, Self-Esteem, and Diurnal Cortisol Profiles). In simple terms, if your self-esteem is low, your body might not handle stress as well, and that can spiral into bigger issues.
My daughter already feels stress acutely, and her transition into year 7 has been challenging at times. Moving into the teenage years feels scary for all of us - there will be some tough times for sure. I want to know how to be support her, and her brothers when they get there.
Based on the research is seems that 1-on-1 time (dyadic time, to use the technical term…) matters most. But just being there isn’t enough - quality of time also matters.
Now, here’s where the research gets nuanced. A conference paper from 2018 found that what really matters is nurturance - things like warmth, acceptance, and showing your kids you’re there for them (The Contribution of Perceived Father Involvement towards Relational Self-Esteem in Early Adolescence).
The results indicated that father nurturance was a significant predictor of relational self-esteem but father involvement was not. In addition, relational self-esteem was neither affected by children’s characteristics, such as age or gender, nor by family size and parent’s characteristics, such as age, occupation, and education level.
Just hanging out together, like our Saturday night family time watching Gladiators, won’t be enough. It’s the moments where you’re engaged, listening, and making them feel valued that make the difference.
For me, that means talking to Megan about her drawings or the book she’s started writing. It means grabbing opportunities to drive her to netball practice and chat with her on the way. With the boys in many ways it’s easier, they just want to play with me, but I’ll need to find these moments with all of them. With the twins getting 1-on-1 time will be particularly tricky.
How much time does this need? Another paper suggests that at least an hour a week of one-on-one time with your kids can make a real impact on their self-esteem.
A 2012 study in Child Development found that kids who got just over an hour of dyadic (one-on-one) time with their dads each week had higher self-worth (Time With Parents and Adolescents’ Self-Esteem and Social Competence). That’s not a huge amount of time, but it’s enough to make a difference if you’re intentional about it.
Daughters Need Their Dads: A Special Note
Here’s something that really struck me: this father time thing seems to matter even more for daughters. A 2019 study in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence found that the quality of a father’s attachment - how close and supportive the relationship is - had a bigger impact on daughters’ self-esteem than on sons’ (Perceived Quality of the Mother–Adolescent and Father–Adolescent Attachment Relationship and Adolescents’ Self-Esteem).
For girls, a strong bond with their dad can be a game-changer.
This hit home for me. Girls these days are growing up in a world that is attacking their self-esteem from every angle, with social media at the heart of it (and try as we might, keeping that tidal wave at bay gets harder and harder). I want her to know she’s amazing just as she is. If my time with her can help her believe that, I’m all in.
My Takeaway: Be the Dad They Need
Going down this rabbit hole has me feeling both motivated and a little overwhelmed. I’ve worked hard to set my life up to be around for the kids; now is when it seems to start mattering more than ever what I do with that time.
I want them to grow up knowing they’re enough, no matter what the world throws at them. This means I have to find the time, at least an hour a week each, to be 1-on-1 with them spending quality time. That’s not easy when our lives are so busy.
Here’s my plan:
Aim for at least 1 hour a week of one-on-one time, where we can talk about the things they are interested in.
Focus on warmth and connection. Make them feel seen, valued, and loved. Ask questions, listen without judgment, and tell them I’m lucky to be their Dad.
Be consistent, especially with Megan. I need to keep showing up, even when she pulls away as teenagers do.
What about you? How do you connect with your teens or pre-teens? Any tips for making that one-on-one time count?